Using Co-Regulation To Help A Child Develop Self-Regulation
Guiding Definitions
Regulation: The ability to manage and navigate one’s behaviors (including impulses), emotions (feelings) and thoughts in response to a given situation (internal or external).
Dysregulation: A loss of control of one’s emotions and/or behaviors, especially lasting for longer than expected periods of time and typically disproportionate to the situation.
Self-regulation: An individual’s ability to monitor their thoughts, behaviors and feelings and maintain a general level of control even in response to perceived challenging, uncomfortable or stressful situations. It includes many important skills such as:Impulse control
Accurately identifying emotions
Being flexible and using a coping strategy (problem solving) in the moment
Being able to apply the coping strategy or sustain a regulated behavior
Co-regulation: The process provided by the caregiver to calmly (regulated state) guide the child and provide “just enough” support to help them manage their emotional state in the moment (Elgin & Alvarez, 2022).
It’s 7:30 in the morning and you’re rushing to get out of the house and get the kids to school. Your kindergartner is refusing to put his shoes on and starting to cry. For the third time in a row this week. You swoop in to put his shoes on, but that only makes him push back even more, causing him to cry harder and throw his shoes across the room. Meanwhile, your second grader is starting to yell at the door that you’re going to be late. Again. You’re starting to, or have already started to, feel the stress of the situation, which causes you to snap at your daughter to be patient while continuing to try and get your son’s shoes on. You finally grab the shoes and your son, minus his shoes, and get everyone in the car. You’re emotionally exhausted, as are your kids, and it’s not even 8 am!
Every child and adult has a “fuel tank” of emotional and mental energy that gets expelled throughout the day. The situation previously described will drain much of the fuel tank before the day has really begun, leaving very little remaining at the end of the day. And as you can probably predict, lead to more challenges at night, including dysregulated behaviors by children AND the parents! Pretty soon, if not already, this is the norm rather than the exception.
It can be helpful to think that just as every person has an “emotional and mental fuel tank,” they also have a “bucket of regulation.” (Click here to view a helpful visual created by Elgin & Alvarez, 2022.) These two work in concert with one another. The more the regulation bucket is full, the greater the likelihood that the fuel tank is able to diminish at a steady, predictable rate, allowing for a stable, regulated state over the course of a day. Conversely, when a person is less regulated, their fuel tank empties at a greater rate, which leads to even more dysregulation as the person is more susceptible to stress and irritability.”
The good news is that research shows that when we place our focus on filling our child’s bucket of regulation while also guiding them on how to fill their own bucket, we increase the chance that they will be more effective in calming their “emotional tornados!” This, in essence, is co-regulation, which over time, leads to improved and more effective self-regulation.
The “What” and “How” of Co-Regulation
In that beginning scenario, an initial thought may be to wish both children possessed greater self-regulation. Thoughts of “Why can’t he just put his shoe on, he knows how to do it and he knows we are going to be late?” are sure to pass through the parent’s mind. However, most children, especially neurodiverse children, require effective co-regulation first, in order to then learn to effectively self-regulate.
Self-regulation is a skill to be learned and co-regulation is the teaching of that skill.
Essentially, co-regulation is an intentional way of responding to your child, and not just when they are upset, but in their day to day interactions. It is a process, not a specific technique, and for your child to learn to self-regulate, their interactions with others will play a key role. Specifically, how parents/caregivers as well as teachers “show up for them” when they are having a hard time, is invaluable in helping them learn how to respond in a regulated way.
Relatedly, a key principle of co-regulation is that we want to be a guide and model for our children on how to respond, rather than react to day to day life events. When you as the adult are intentionally regulated, and are able to model regulation, especially in response to stress, you are teaching your child how to do the same. A second key principle is that co-regulation is dependent on the age, developmental level and life experiences of your child. It also depends on your own past experiences and family history. So knowing your own ability to self-regulate is important before attempting to provide co-regulation. For many neurodiverse kids and children with mental health needs, their “regulation buckets” may be less full and require more adult filling. Ideally, as the child gets older and has been exposed to co-regulation and learned self-regulation strategies, they will become more adept at filling their own regulation bucket.
So what does this look like in practice?
We first start with the environment. The environment includes home, car, school, essentially anywhere your child spends time! In order for co-regulation to be present and for self-regulation to develop, the research shows that the environment must be predictable, responsive and supportive (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017). This means an environment in which there is:
A warm, predictable and responsive relationship between child and caregiver/parent
A structured environment that is predictable with routines, expectations and consequences, and
Intentional (thoughtful) teaching, modeling and coaching of regulation skills by embedding the practice in day to day experiences (Rosanbalm & Murray, 2017; Elgin & Alvarez, 2022)
Elgin and Alvarez (2022) provide three tips on how to help shape the environment and put co-regulation into practice:
“Mini-moments”: Finding small, daily situations to connect with your child and support the building and maintenance of a predictable and responsive relationship.
For example, give them a high five as you head out of the house, an “I love you” as you’re driving, sit next to them while they tie their shoe and sit calmly, a gentle hand on the back to reassure that you’re there for them
“When-then”: A strategy to help create a structured and predictable environment by providing structure for non-preferred tasks and something for your child to look forward to!
When you finish tying your shoes, then we can put on your favorite song in the car.
When your toys are in the basket, then we can have our ice cream.
When you brush your teeth, then mom can help you get changed for bed and read you a story.
Modeling (and validating): This is a key strategy in helping teach and promote regulation skills.
Essentially any time you experience a challenging or unexpected situation and begin to feel a difficult emotion, explicitly state how you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, and how you can manage the situation in a regulated state (how you can respond, rather than react!)
Make sure to apologize and take ownership of an emotional response you may have had toward your child in a “heated moment!” For example, “A little while ago, I yelled at you when I was frustrated about your shoe. I was worried because we were going to be late and I lost my temper. Next time, I am going to practice using my deep breaths.”
Let’s take a look at our morning “shoe example” and examine how co-regulation can be applied.
Co-regulation can start with a quick check-in and validation of their feelings: “hey bud, seems like we are frustrated with our shoes.” From there, you can calmly ask if they would like help, or if they would like you to sit next to them while they try and use the strategies you have already practiced (strategies that have been previously discussed and practiced.) Importantly, providing choice can help take the intensity out of the situation by knowing they have some control but also that help is available if needed. Ultimately, you also want to reinforce any effort or attempt, plus the choice they make! Praising and putting attention on the behavior we want to see will help ensure the likelihood of the desired behavior next time.
If you have a neuro-diverse child, or one who is anxious, co-regulation through pre-teaching skills and identifying and practicing problem solving before these moments will be even more important. For example, In the case of the initial story, identify any skills deficits, and practice putting on the shoes in situations when not rushed. During this calmer, practice time, you can ask how they would like help, guide them on identifying feelings that may show up, validate those feelings, and develop a plan with strategies for what to do when they get stuck. For example, the parent and child could collaboratively develop a nonverbal cue to use in the moment to help the child remember to use a strategy, such as putting one shoe out of the way so they can focus on just the one shoe. As mentioned above, make sure to reinforce (praise/attend to) any positive behaviors that occur. This means always praising any effort toward the end goal behavior (shoe on in this case!)
The “Why” of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the foundation of self-regulation. Children who have greater self-regulation are more likely to do well in school, have less conflicts and behavioral challenges with peers, adults, and family, and establish friendships more easily.
If a parent consistently and predictably responds in a calm, affirming and validating way, it can help the child feel heard and seen, as well as teach them that their feelings are OK; collectively reducing their stress response. This, in turn, allows for greater ability to problem solve and respond rather than react, ultimately reinforcing the feeling of regulation.
Conversely, in the absence of co-regulation and if a parent or caregiver responds in a harsh, punitive way, e.g., “get over it, I told you not to do that, why can’t you just get your shoe on like I asked!” it serves to teach the child to behave in the way the parent wants out of fear. It will not support the skill of self-regulation. Punitive responses also have limited carry over for the desired behavior change, especially in different situations. If we yell at the child in the first situation, he may quickly put his shoes on out of fear, or may be just as likely to throw his shoes even farther and run away. At this point, his regulation bucket is all but empty, as is the parent’s!
In another situation, a parent may naturally and calmly want to offer reassurance that, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or state ‘There’s no need to cry,” or jump in to put the shoes on for the child. This may be especially true if your child has anxiety. While well intended, this reinforces minimization and invalidation of feelings (which are still going to be present) and places the onus of solving the problem on the parent rather than the child. This also teaches the child to overly rely on adults for safety and support, rather than learning that they can manage themselves (with a little adult support) when those big feelings show up!
Supporting self-regulation through the application of co-regulation is a fine balance. And it is natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure of whether you’re doing it right. The good news is, if you are feeling uncertain or overwhelmed with how to help your child manage their emotions and behaviors more effectively, you are clearly seeking a way to better understand and support your child. The following do’s and don’ts can hopefully provide a starting place for your practice of co-regulation!
The Dos
Know that almost all children will respond best to an environment that balances high levels of warmth with clear and high boundaries
Know that co-regulation is not a “one size fits all” but there are key components that will be effective in different ways for different children. Learning what works for your child will help you be better prepared for how to provide co-regulation! For example:
Some children need their parent or caregiver in close proximity when having a hard time, others will prefer space.
Some children benefit from “talking things out” after the situation, while others prefer a brief check in and positive affirmation.
Some children may “shut down” and internalize their feelings, while others need to show their feelings externally through movement. Both responses are OK, as long as there is no harm to themselves or others or their environment. And both types of children may benefit from space and time and will regulate more quickly with intentional and consistent practice and modeling
Validate your child’s emotions, letting them know that all feelings are OK
When they are calm, problem solve and reflect on a better way for handling the situation the next time.
Praise your child for their effort in trying to come up with a different way
Catch your child “being good!”
Provide affection and praise for every day positive behaviors (putting toys away, using manners, asking questions)
Give them space if they ask for it, but remain nearby and respond calmly when they re-engage
Take space for yourself if becoming stressed and reactive
Take some deep breaths
Model that you need space to “get calm”
Practice self-regulation skills together, outside the “heat of the moment”
Take deep breaths (dragon breaths, blowing out candles)
Identify emotions
Take a mindful walk or use meditation
Practice problem solving together, especially for situations you know will be more challenging
Have a calm and safe space for your child to use, as well as a tool box of options for your child to access when they do become dysregulated
Sensory tools/fidgets/comforting
Drawing/crafting materials
Pictures of family
Give them a choice in what they may want to include!
Set clear and consistent expectations and have logical consequences for when rules are broken
If you know that your child is more likely to have difficulties with regulation due to their disability, it becomes even more important to practice these skills early and often!
Additionally, consistent expectations and logical consequences are even more necessary as these children are more likely to experience a regulated state in the presence of a predictable, nurturing environment that also has clear limits.
The Don’ts
Minimize your child’s feelings and tell them to “get over it”
Don’t minimize your own either! Validate your own emotions and try to learn what they are communicating
Jump in to solve the problems for your child; “save them” from their distress. It’s important they feel their feelings while knowing it’s OK and normal
Talk too much in order to try and solve the problem. This can lead to greater dysregulation because they aren’t thinking logically at that moment.
Providing space and time can be more effective than trying to talk and “fix” the problem.
Don’t stop after a few initial attempts! Changing patterns of responding takes time and practice.
If you do become frustrated and your kids do as well, that is a perfect opportunity to model your own feelings and work as a family to problem solve a different way to “respond” next time!
References
Elgin, J., & Alvarez, S. (2022). Practical Strategies to Improve Your Child’s Emotion Regulation Skills. Retrieved from https://helpingfamiliesthrive.com/using-co-regulation-to-build-self-regulation-in-kids/
Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research,and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services.
Resources
Helping Families Thrive
Curious Neuron
Mona Delahook, PhD
Ann-Louise Lockhart, PsyD
Bronwyn Lehman, Ph.D., LP
Dr. Bronwyn Lehman is Havern’s Director of Therapies. She is a proud Penn State alum, where she studied journalism. After working as a classroom aide in a low incidence classroom for kids with multiple disabilities, she decided to follow in the footsteps of her mother, who is a 30+ year school psychologist.
Dr. B completed her Masters and Educational Specialist degree in School Psychology at National Louis University in Chicago. After working in a public school in Cincinnati, she decided she wanted to learn more about how the brain works and decided to pursue her doctorate in School Psychology. Dr. B received her PhD from the University of Northern Colorado. Dr. B says, “I was drawn to working with kids with ADHD and learning disabilities. I wanted to learn how they learn and become an advocate for their needs. I could help be a voice for them and help their parents and teachers better understand their needs and challenges as well as their strengths!”
